November 26th, 2010 – A recent study by the Rand Corporation details the dramatic extent to which American lives have been ruined since lawmakers passed a bill forcing the country to end its decades of marriage discrimination.

San Francisco Mayor, Gavin Newsom, the main proponent of this equal rights bill, now regrets his decision. “I thought that I was doing progressive work for minorities,” said Newsom, “But I had no idea how much shit would hit the fan.”

Since the bill’s passing, or ‘Gay-Day’ as some have come to call it, the housing market has crashed causing millions lose their homes, the economy has plummeted, gas prices have risen to over $8 a gallon, thousands of confused adopted-children have taken to the streets after parenting failures by gay couples, and, of course, a chasm spitting the scorching fires of hell has opened up in central New York.

Richard Kush was recently married in Las Vegas after a night of drunken debauchery, coke, and gambling.  “My marriage was significantly less meaningful knowing anybody could get one,” says Mr. Kush, who was promptly divorced once he sobered, “Sure, I regret my decision to marry the prostitute, but without the exclusivity to do so, I’d have nothing to give relevance to my life−and that’s the American way.”

But it hasn’t been just families and lawmakers whose lives have been destroyed by gay marriage−the food industry has also suffered a serious blow.

“Well, we all don’t know what to do anymore,” says Iowa farmer Tad Thompson, “I can’t buy seeds because the seed guy is marrying his sheep, I can’t plow the land because the tractor guy is marrying his sheep. I mean, I pretty much have to marry my sheep now that gays are wedding.”

Even in suburbia, Gay-Day has taken its toll. Carol Vicky, a mother of three, says that gay marriage has seriously affected the way she raises her children.  “Every morning I have to explain to my children why two men are getting married,” says Carol, “They say they understand, but how could anyone comprehend such insanity? It’s like saying that global warming is human-made.”

‘Damage control’ has been the talk all over Washington as President Barack Obama prepares to section off parts of the country to the gays. “In hopes to quell the hurt Americans are feeling, we’ll be cutting off parts of major cities and referring to them as the ‘gay parts’ of town,” says Obama, “These gay reservations will be required to display rainbow flags and offer gay-specific services like bars and nightclubs. I feel like this is a necessary step to begin the healing process.”

As Americans continue to suffer, people are starting to wonder if equality was really worth the pain it has caused. Elton John could not be reached for comment.

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