What Really Happened in the Chinese Expulsion of 1885
by Glynnis Kirchmeier
Scene: Tacoma, 1885
Mayor Jacob Weisbach: Okay, so, we’ve got this problem here where all y’all want jobs but there’s not too many extra ones about. You know the reason why? The Chinese.
Group of White Dudes: Yeah!
Businessman: I would venture to suggest that the problem lies in the fact that you white dudes won’t take jobs you perceive as “Chinese,” and also that you don’t work hard.
Weisbach: Also the problem is profit-driven businessmen!
White Dudes: Let’s burn down his factory!
Weisbach: No, no, that’s not a lawful thing to do. We want to become a state, guys. States don’t do that.
White Dudes: Well, what should we do about the Chinamen?
Weisbach: I have a great solution: sewers. We’ll refuse to connect city sewer lines to privys and laundries in their part of town, and then we’ll arrest them for not being dirty like they are! Drive ‘em out that way! (wipes nose with shit-encrusted handkerchief)
White Dudes: Aw, that’s booooriiiing. But those Chinamen are totally gross.
A White Dude: (raises hand) Um, Mayor Weisbach? You said we’re not a state yet, right? So…this is still the wild west. Technically.
White Dudes: We still live in the wild west? Then fuck it let’s form a mob!
Weisbach: Okay, but you guys - you guys, listen! Hey, I’ve made myself police chief now so you have to listen, so there. You guys, we have to be orderly about all this, ‘cuz we’re almost not the wild west, just a little. So don’t kill anyone on purpose.
Mob: Okay! (They round up and kick out the Chinese, steal their property, and burn their homes. Two men die of exposure while forced to wait through the November night for a train to Portland.)
Seattle: What the fuck, Tacoma? You’ve just totally gone and done something, like, way unlawful.
Tacoma: You’re just jealous ‘cuz we thought of it first and now you’d be copycats.
Seattle: Well, duh. Though you do make Washington Territory look pretty unlawful, FYI, so don’t be so bitchy.
Broadside reproduction courtesy of Washington State Historical Society Digital Collections, http://digitum.washingtonhistory.org/cdm4/item_viewer.php?CISOROOT=/ephemera&CISOPTR=106&CISOBOX=1&REC=8
