A letter to a UPS freshman
by Lynda Foster
You are off to college, soon to become a real adult. I am sad you are leaving your home of many years, to make the arduous trek across 21st street.
I hope you are not over burdened with the responsibilities and obligations that one must tend to as a college student: attending your weekly frat party, socializing with these strange “loggers”, purchasing unknown texts, and learning to navigate a foreign land referred to vaguely as “UPS.”
I would feel tremendous regret if I were to send you on your way without passing on some sort of affectionate, heavy handed advice, so please listen to my words with care:
The first humanoids you meet at college… well, they’re not real people. You will feel compelled to cling to them in excitement, and sadly, I must advise you follow your urge to befriend them (or be forever known as the anti-social creep), but understand that six months after you settle in they will disappear, and you will be happier for it.
Try many things! You will attend five extracurricular clubs in the first month, and meet many other humanoid creatures. This is a fine experience one must go through to build character. But then you will settle into some fine place like a library or a “SUB” and you will find eating french fries with friends to be the better course.
Your intelligence will serve you well, as will your aptitude for books. However, doing all the reading is not what it takes to succeed. You must speak! Be brave and audacious and dare to speak your mind! The professors at this “UPS” establishment are rumored to care much for this sort of nonsense, and so you must embrace the habit enthusiastically.
Be nice to the campus cat. It will bring you luck.
But most of all, keep in touch! I shall miss you terribly, and even though you will be off adventuring wonderful adventures, check in from time to time. I am eager to receive news of your upcoming excitements, accomplishments, struggles and surprises, and I wish you all the best for the coming years.