In this episode of The Melon Underground, Jack Faust (Jometheus), Electric Elliot and Lando 253 discuss Real Life Super-heroes, individuals who dress up and/or act like comic book super-heroes (01:12:03).
Faster than a speeding bullet: no, gets winded playing video games. More powerful than a locomotive: actually, less powerful than a fifty-cent wind up toy. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound: has a vertical jump smaller than their IQ. What the hell am I referring to? You’ve seen them on Youtube, you’ve watched them on CNN, and you’ve solemnly visited their blogs. I am talking about the new litmus test for moral and social imbecility: the Real Life Super-Heroes.
Don’t let the name fool you. These self-proclaimed Super-Heroes are anything but; unless, of course, dressing in a gaudy Halloween costume and regurgitating the sub-moronic obliquely asinine emotional pap from The Dark Knight while handing out sandwiches to the homeless and allegedly instigating fights with the lowest socio-economic strata of our society counts as “super”. If that is the case, then these men and women are super duper. Most rational people call it laughable, naïve, brave yet ill-thought. I call it a fucking travesty. What Shadow Hare, the Crimson Fist, the Eye, Oni, Agent Null etc. all have in common (other than un-inspiring monikers, shoddy physical prowess, and dim intellects) is that each and every one of these costumed do-gooders actually think that what they are doing can be quantified as “good”.
Is it good to don S&M fetish outfits and force a deluded ethos on an unsuspecting public? I say thee, “Nay villain!” Although Shadow Hare has been quoted as saying he “just wants to show his city that there is still hope if people stand together,” his actions echo as hollow as his words. Does dressing in a Lucha Libra outfit inspire social change? Maybe in the WWE, but in real life it doesn’t. Sure it may get you some poontang at Comic Con, or hits on your Myspace page but if these spandex clad, self-aggrandizing, media-philes put down their action figures and limited edition signed lithium cover comic books, stopped playing dress-up and pretending to be superhuman, they might discover that there are ways to make a positive difference in the community that doesn’t involve living out your jerk-off fantasies.
In fact, the term Real Life Super-Hero is at least an oxymoron and at most meaningless. For starters absolutely none of them have super-powers. No telepathy, no super strength, no unbreakable claws, no lasers jettisoning from orifices, nothing, zilch. Therefore, they are not super. Nor are they living in what can be called “real-life”. Wearing colorful tights and marching through the streets supposedly righting wrongs under the guise of an alter ego is not what people in real life do to make a difference. “Real life” people trying to make a finer world do it the hard way. They dedicate their lives to professions which benefit the community, they are the teachers, the social-workers the fire-fighters, the (dare I say it) police; they work at non-profit organizations such as Habitat for Humanity, the Red Cross, The United Way, Boys and Girls Clubs. Allow me to crack an egg of knowledge on all the pseudo Real Life Super-Heroes reading this, here is what to do: Google non-profit community organization, then have your mom read the list to you, after you realize the fact that you belong to none of those groups the grim enlightenment that you are a fucking tasteless joke should set in.
As a matter of fact the only super-power you douche bags possess is to make the real community heroes mentioned above more invisible than they were before. Save the costumes for your sex-clubs and comic shows, if you want to make a real difference take off your childish outfits, throw away your media fueled ideals of value judgments and stand aside to let the professionals handle it or have the courage to become one. You are all too poorly trained, too under-educated, and too morally depraved to even realize that it takes more than the inane actions which you have all paraded over the blogsphere to promote social improvement.
I dare you to step up and do a build for Habitat for Humanity, I challenge you to join the Boys and Girls Clubs and become a big brother or big sister (if that is, your parole officer lets you around children), get educated and become teachers, or tutors, or social workers. I am officially throwing down the gauntlet to all you costumed fucks to actually spend your seemingly limitless energies doing what you pretend to do: make a difference.