During the 2008 Presidential elections, the Obama campaign rightly identified queer people and their straight allies as a crucial liberal base to be pandered to. Upon taking office, however, the Obama Administration seems much more interested in expending a lot of effort claiming that it has policies that expand and entrench GLBT rights while not doing much in particular. Sure, the James Byrd/Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act was a great thing, and Obama took the opportunity of signing the bill to compare himself to another leader with dubious human rights claims, President Johnson. (However, the bill includes gender expression as a category of protection, an advancement that is hugely important for the transgender community, and one that the gay community is too often satisfied to leave out of other anti-discrimination legislation.) The HIV travel ban, which prevented HIV-positive foreigners from visiting the United States, has been finally lifted.

Yet these are merely tokens compared to what the Obama Administration could really do for queer rights, if they were actually an interest. Not even a priority – merely a sideline. Dan Savage, for instance, suggests that the president should order Don’t Ask Don’t Tell to not be enforced, an action that would free up important personnel and time from ridiculous investigations into gay soldiers’ personal lives. This has something that the President promised but has not gotten around to it. Lt. Dan Choi’s recent visit to University of Puget Sound has magnified that particular issue in local news, but there is a huge list of things the President could do – and isn’t. This inaction has not played well in the gay community, and the administration has been on the defensive, mostly to secure funding for Democrats from its liberal base. The gay community has become the fundamentalist Christians of the left: we get pandered to, but the deliverables are scanty.

Therefore, in order to promote the advancement of legal rights for the GLBT community, I am writing this open letter to Malia Obama.

To:

Malia Obama

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20006

RE: Your Future Sexual Orientation*

Dear Ms. Obama,

At eleven years old, you will soon begin to experience certain…changes. Aside from growing hair in weird places, you will soon have uncontrollable and frequent sexual thoughts and fantasies. As you begin to develop an adult understanding of your sexuality, I urge you to consider going gay.

Women have a lot to offer as sexual partners. Aside from the capacity for multiple orgasms, the huge and interesting variability in tastes between women, and our generally more attractive bodies (though men are okay, I guess), women have better communication skills and are more likely to take care of you if you become sick. Thus women offer great advantages for short- and long-term relationships.

As you explore your sexuality, I urge you to share your thoughts on the desirability of women with your parents, particularly your father, the President. One advantage that men can offer you in all states is spousal rights – insurance coverage, equal custody of children, medical decision-making, burial rights, inheritance rights, financial rights and protections, and so forth. You can change this. One hint that one or both of his daughters have the hots for ladies and your father President Obama will suddenly take a huge interest in the status of lesbians and other sexual minorities in this fine nation. I am sure that your parents have instilled in you the values of equality and justice for all, but there is nothing like the possibility of injustice to a family member to motivate those in power to rethink the status quo. This is the benefit and purpose of coming out: to change the hearts and minds of those that love you.

But, Ms. Obama, you only have a short window in which to do this: before Inauguration Day 2013, on the off-chance that your father does not get re-elected. Many people choose to come out in college, but you would be joining a new wave of young people exploring and discussing their minority sexual preference with their parents and communities. Even, after a short period of contemplation, you conclude that men rather than women tingle your clitoris, the good you could do for the queer community may be substantial. In one day, you could accomplish what your father would not do for ten months. Think about it: your adolescent bi-curiosity could produce the same number of rights for American queers as every gay rights activist since Stonewall. Isn’t that a fine goal for any right-thinking American daughter of the President?

Sincerely,

Glynnis Kirchmeier

Queer Citizen

*Note: I am not, other than posting this on the internet, actually sending this to Malia Obama in any way. Because she is a child.

Anyone who says that Barack Hussein Obama’s middle name is the same as Saddam’s last name, is enormously misinformed. This isn’t a “oh you can’t go there” issue, this is a “you are demonstrably wrong and I can prove that is not true” issue.

In Arabic nomenclature “Hussein” would not ever actually refer to Saddam Hussein Adb Al-Majid Al-Tikriti. The way Arabic names work is you are given your first name (i.e. Saddam), then the second name is your father’s given name (Hussein), the third name is your paternal grandfather’s given name (Abd, which if you’re clever, you’ll notice should also be the father’s second name), the fourth name is Al-family name (i.e. Al-Majid, meaning ‘of the Majid family’), and the fifth/last name is Al-location of birth (i.e. Al-Tikriti, meaning ‘from the Tikriti district’).

So for example, John McCain’s name in Arabic Nomenclature would be “John John John Al-McCain Al-Panama.” And apparently everyone in the country would call him “John John”… does everyone see why that’s stupid or do I need to keep going?

Referring to Saddam as “Hussein” makes about as much sense as referring to Samuel Wurzelbacher as “Joe”… oh wait …

Here we go, referring to him as “Saddam Hussein” is like calling our current President “George W.”…goddammit!

One more try: it’d be like if you referred to Reagan as “Ronald Wilson” it sounds like a name but it’s not the way to identify who you’re talking about. Yeah. Third time was the charm.

Now in accordance with Godwin’s Law, I will make the obligatory reference to Hitler. Unfortunately, Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin had NO middle names. So if you don’t have a middle name, congratulations, your parents might have named you after Hitler. Enjoy those red arm bands and those nice Jewish children who will be beating you up at the flagpole after school.

I guess it’d be like criticizing someone with the middle name of Harvey (Lee _ Oswald), or Willis (Charles _ Manson), or Wilkes (James _ Booth). Although I think if you name your kid Anything Wilkes Anything you’re just asking for someone to kick him in the crotch. Repeatedly.

An photo of the "Obama 4" taken by a Renton resident

This October 31st was more than just candy and costumes for neighborhood homes in Renton, WA. As children rang doorbells for treats, a gang of Halloween terrorists dressed in Barack Obama masks created utter mayhem by asking instead, for unity and promising socialized medicine.

“I couldn’t believe it,” says Ann Victor, a mother of three. “I opened the door expecting to find a bunch of cute princesses or zombies, and there were four Muslims promising me coverage on my dental. What a horror!”

The terrorists, or Obama 4, as has been coined by the Renton Police, are alleged to have trick or treated at over five-thousand homes, demanding treats or threatening candy-givers with lower taxes and pulling out of the Iraq war.

Thomas Putnam’s son Jerry, age 6, was answering the door with treats when the Obama 4 approached. “They spoke to him elegantly and talked about better education and caring for one another rather than catering to corporate interest,” says Thomas, “No child should have to grow up in a world where people bring goodwill onto others. That’s domestic terrorism!”

Obama mask used by the terrorists

The Renton police have been stumped as to who might be involved with the terrorist attack.  “We considered possibilities in the John McCain campaign,” says Police Chief Ken Sharp, “But universal healthcare coverage and ending futile wars is something the McCain campaign would never force onto others.”

John McCain issued a statement soon after the attacks, denouncing the actions of terrorists. “My condolences go to the families and victims of these brutal, distasteful and dishonorable attacks,” says McCain, “This gives further evidence, my friends, that an American under Barack Obama is an America filled with hate, terrorism, and decent family men.  I’m for tricks, not terrorism!”

The Obama campaign refused to comment, dismissing the acts as “just some silly kids playing around.”

A warrant for the arrest of the Obama 4 has been put out by the Renton Police Department, though none have been made.

For those of you who have been living under a rock… on Mars… with your fingers in your ears… going ‘lalalalalalalalalala’…

Okay, maybe you have been under a rock. Here’s a recap: So, Joe the Plumber is this guy who went up to Barack Obama in front of some cameras and said he was planning on buying a plumbing business that makes 250k-280k a year, and wanted to ask Obama about his tax policy. Obama laid out why his plan was better, saying that by significantly cutting taxes for the people making less than a quarter million a year, it would help increase the number of customers, and added that he’s not increasing taxes that much, it’s just 3% more on what’s made over 250k. So if Joe the plumber is thinking about buying this business and making lets say $270,000 a year before taxes, he’s apparently unwilling to buy the business and make only $269,400 before those same taxes. Does this remind anyone else of when the House Republicans wouldn’t pass the 700 billion dollar bailout bill without an additional 150 billion in earmarks? But Joe rose to national attention when John McCain decided to make his entire campaign “vote for me, I will make life better for Joe the Plumber… not the 95% of you who make less than 250k a year, but just Joe the Plumber” and mentioned him 21 times in the third presidential debate.

Here’s why Joe the Plumber is an absolute waste of our attention:

1- Joe’s real name is Samuel Joe Wurzlebacher, that’s right he’s not even telling the truth about his own name. He introduced himself as “Hi there, Joe Wurzelbacher” to Barack Obama, yes, three words in and he started lying. I know this seems like a harsh judgment, but keep reading and you’ll be amazed at just how little he says is true. I shall also be referring to him as Sam, and/or Sam the Liar, because I know a lot of good people named Joe, and I don’t want to sully the name further than Sam already has.

2- Sam doesn’t have a plumbing license. There is a law that says if the company takes credit for it, he can plumb using the companies license. I find this to be odd that he’s identifying himself by something he can’t do alone. It’d be like if he were single and we were referring to him as Joe the Procreator, that doesn’t work for non-asexual entities, and “plumber” doesn’t work for non-licensed anyone.

I think I shall start to call him Sam the Masturbator, because while it is a very graphic nickname, it’s the only work he’s allowed to do with pipes without someone else vouching for him first.

3- Sam owes $1,200 in back taxes because he doesn’t like to pay the full amount. Sam, if you haven’t paid the taxes you already owe, I think you need to shut the fuck up with your criticism of the guy who’s offering you about $2,000 extra dollars of tax relief (between the tax cuts and the emergency energy rebate.) Hey maybe you can use some of that money to pay off your back taxes, because believe it or not, paying taxes IS patriotic. You are paying for the government, without taxes there would be ludicrously expensive postal service, a toll for EVERY road you drive on, and uh, NO military, I think that last one is kind of the tipping point for even the right (most of the right) wingers.

4- Sam owes $727.90 in Mesa, Arizona for running a red light and not having insurance on his vehicle. Are you fucking kidding me? I was going to tell you to go to Hell with your $800 left over dollars, but I think you should actually go to Mesa with it, they probably need the money since McCain sure as hell won’t give them any earmarks.

5- Sam’s driver’s license has been suspended in Arizona, and he is not supposed to have one in Ohio while his Arizona license isn’t valid. We already knew you couldn’t drive because of your time in Arizona, but to know that legally you should not be able to drive just makes this all the funnier. You shouldn’t be driving or plumbing, but then again you shouldn’t be speaking on a national stage either for that matter, so I guess I can’t really criticize you for these. It’s like yelling at a kid for leaving the T.V. on while he set fire to the house with a can of gas.

6- Sam makes $40,000 a year, which means Obama would give him EIGHT times the tax cuts that McCain is offering ($892 vs $113). You say you don’t want to vote for Obama because he would tax you more. So basing your vote for McCain on the tax policy is what we call masochism, Sam. You have learned the facts and decided that you don’t really need an extra $779 a year, when earlier the difference between $270,000 and $269,400 a year before taxes was a deal-breaker for you. I think we all need to ask ourselves why we would listen to someone who is this stupid.

7- The business Sam is thinking of buying only makes well under $100,000 a year, and Sam doesn’t have any immediate intention to buy it. I’ve been combing through your comments with both hands and a flashlight, I think I’m more likely to find Osama bin Laden in your house making his beard out of the hair you shave off your head than you being honest and truthful.

8- Sam said he was an undecided voter. He’s actually one of the McCain surrogates now. How real common man of you Sam the Opportunist. Sam even agreed that Obama “would mean certain death for Israel” despite not being able to mention a single stance of Obama’s relative to Israel when asked. ON FOX NEWS. Sam the Bullshit Artist, when even FOX calls you out as a right wing wacko, you know you’ve lost your fucking mind.

9- As I said, Sam said he was an undecided voter. HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO VOTE IN THIS ELECTION! The G.O.P. instituted an exact match rule in Ohio that says their information and yours must match to the letter, and someone misspelled Wurzelbacher (this is probably how he got an Ohio driver’s license) and as such, Joe the Plumber is really Joe the disenfranchised Plumber. Seriously Sam? You can’t talk coherently, drive, vote, or plumb? The fact that you are somehow the poster child for the Republican party, but are prey to their voter suppression tactics and your life would be incredibly better under the Democratic party shows that John McCain vetted you with the same care and focus as he did Caribou Barbie (much credit to Stephanie Miller for coming up with that term.)

Sincerely,

Johnny Boulevard

(Click image to view larger)

More Bob the Dog

On Sunday, Sept. 28, Teresa Rapozo and I met at the University of Puget Sound to explore how the vast ambiguities of multiple sclerosis (MS) specifically effect those who suffer from it.  This relatively new condition was not officially discovered until 1868 when Dr Jean Martin Charcot observed and documented unusual symptoms in his maid.  Following her death, the doctor took the liberty of performing an autopsy on her body which revealed previously undocumented scarring.  140 years later, there remains no cure or vaccine for MS, nor even a concrete explanation for how the disease is contracted.

Nonetheless, there are effective – albeit, expensive – treatments to halt the progression of the illness and strong advocacy groups, like the National MS Society, which remain dedicated to helping those who suffer maintain the hope of living a normal and fully mobile life.  Nationwide some 400,000 individuals suffer from MS, including Senator Barak Obama’s father-in-law, but no where is it more prevalent than in the Pacific Northwest and in the State of Washington in particular.

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CORRECTION:  It is Senator Obama’s father-in-law who suffers from MS, not mother.

Chris “The Wedge” Van Vechten has enthusiastically volunteered to live-blog tomorrow’s Presidential Debate. As with Electric Elliot’s recent live-blog, Chris will bring you up to date analysis on McCain and Obama.

But wait, there’s more! You can participate by commenting on Chris’s post! Chris will be checking the comment stream, bringing in those he likes the best and replying.

Be sure to join us tomorrow at 6pm PST.

All of a sudden, radio mouthpiece Michael Savage and a few other prominent hypocrits on the lost Right are in agreement with Barack Obama, who said that he wouldn’t want his own daughters “punished with a baby”…

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This is our final dispatch at the Democratic National Convention. The resistance will be taking its message next week to the Republican National Convention in St. Paul, Minnesota.

The mood at the DNC protest has turned around completely from what it felt like the entire week.

At 11:00 AM this morning I received a text message from Olympia activists that the Convergence Center (where Recreate ‘68 and Unconventional Denver plan their actions) was being raided by riot police. Three people were arrested, one from the Tacoma Pitchpipe Infoshop, and the police confiscated painting supplies and banner material. It was a very low blow to the resistance here in Denver. Riot police surrounded the building, but failed to eventually come up with a warrant that would allow them to raid the building and make mass arrests.

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