“Joe the Plumber is a war correspondent for Pajamas Media? Is this a news story or a mad-lib?” – Jon Stewart
Now I thought that I had properly dismissed Sam the Bullshit Artist (aka Joe the Plumber) in my first article where I pointed out he can’t think, drive, vote, or plumb. Apparently I forgot to let him know that he can’t correspond very well either. For those of you who don’t actively research this issue, I’m going to go off on a bit of a tangent and provide a really quick history lesson.
For those of you who have been living under a rock… on Mars… with your fingers in your ears… going ‘lalalalalalalalalala’…
Okay, maybe you have been under a rock. Here’s a recap: So, Joe the Plumber is this guy who went up to Barack Obama in front of some cameras and said he was planning on buying a plumbing business that makes 250k-280k a year, and wanted to ask Obama about his tax policy. Obama laid out why his plan was better, saying that by significantly cutting taxes for the people making less than a quarter million a year, it would help increase the number of customers, and added that he’s not increasing taxes that much, it’s just 3% more on what’s made over 250k. So if Joe the plumber is thinking about buying this business and making lets say $270,000 a year before taxes, he’s apparently unwilling to buy the business and make only $269,400 before those same taxes. Does this remind anyone else of when the House Republicans wouldn’t pass the 700 billion dollar bailout bill without an additional 150 billion in earmarks? But Joe rose to national attention when John McCain decided to make his entire campaign “vote for me, I will make life better for Joe the Plumber… not the 95% of you who make less than 250k a year, but just Joe the Plumber” and mentioned him 21 times in the third presidential debate.
Here’s why Joe the Plumber is an absolute waste of our attention:
1- Joe’s real name is Samuel Joe Wurzlebacher, that’s right he’s not even telling the truth about his own name. He introduced himself as “Hi there, Joe Wurzelbacher” to Barack Obama, yes, three words in and he started lying. I know this seems like a harsh judgment, but keep reading and you’ll be amazed at just how little he says is true. I shall also be referring to him as Sam, and/or Sam the Liar, because I know a lot of good people named Joe, and I don’t want to sully the name further than Sam already has.
2- Sam doesn’t have a plumbing license. There is a law that says if the company takes credit for it, he can plumb using the companies license. I find this to be odd that he’s identifying himself by something he can’t do alone. It’d be like if he were single and we were referring to him as Joe the Procreator, that doesn’t work for non-asexual entities, and “plumber” doesn’t work for non-licensed anyone.
I think I shall start to call him Sam the Masturbator, because while it is a very graphic nickname, it’s the only work he’s allowed to do with pipes without someone else vouching for him first.
3- Sam owes $1,200 in back taxes because he doesn’t like to pay the full amount. Sam, if you haven’t paid the taxes you already owe, I think you need to shut the fuck up with your criticism of the guy who’s offering you about $2,000 extra dollars of tax relief (between the tax cuts and the emergency energy rebate.) Hey maybe you can use some of that money to pay off your back taxes, because believe it or not, paying taxes IS patriotic. You are paying for the government, without taxes there would be ludicrously expensive postal service, a toll for EVERY road you drive on, and uh, NO military, I think that last one is kind of the tipping point for even the right (most of the right) wingers.
4- Sam owes $727.90 in Mesa, Arizona for running a red light and not having insurance on his vehicle. Are you fucking kidding me? I was going to tell you to go to Hell with your $800 left over dollars, but I think you should actually go to Mesa with it, they probably need the money since McCain sure as hell won’t give them any earmarks.
5- Sam’s driver’s license has been suspended in Arizona, and he is not supposed to have one in Ohio while his Arizona license isn’t valid. We already knew you couldn’t drive because of your time in Arizona, but to know that legally you should not be able to drive just makes this all the funnier. You shouldn’t be driving or plumbing, but then again you shouldn’t be speaking on a national stage either for that matter, so I guess I can’t really criticize you for these. It’s like yelling at a kid for leaving the T.V. on while he set fire to the house with a can of gas.
6- Sam makes $40,000 a year, which means Obama would give him EIGHT times the tax cuts that McCain is offering ($892 vs $113). You say you don’t want to vote for Obama because he would tax you more. So basing your vote for McCain on the tax policy is what we call masochism, Sam. You have learned the facts and decided that you don’t really need an extra $779 a year, when earlier the difference between $270,000 and $269,400 a year before taxes was a deal-breaker for you. I think we all need to ask ourselves why we would listen to someone who is this stupid.
7- The business Sam is thinking of buying only makes well under $100,000 a year, and Sam doesn’t have any immediate intention to buy it. I’ve been combing through your comments with both hands and a flashlight, I think I’m more likely to find Osama bin Laden in your house making his beard out of the hair you shave off your head than you being honest and truthful.
8- Sam said he was an undecided voter. He’s actually one of the McCain surrogates now. How real common man of you Sam the Opportunist. Sam even agreed that Obama “would mean certain death for Israel” despite not being able to mention a single stance of Obama’s relative to Israel when asked. ON FOX NEWS. Sam the Bullshit Artist, when even FOX calls you out as a right wing wacko, you know you’ve lost your fucking mind.
9- As I said, Sam said he was an undecided voter. HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO VOTE IN THIS ELECTION! The G.O.P. instituted an exact match rule in Ohio that says their information and yours must match to the letter, and someone misspelled Wurzelbacher (this is probably how he got an Ohio driver’s license) and as such, Joe the Plumber is really Joe the disenfranchised Plumber. Seriously Sam? You can’t talk coherently, drive, vote, or plumb? The fact that you are somehow the poster child for the Republican party, but are prey to their voter suppression tactics and your life would be incredibly better under the Democratic party shows that John McCain vetted you with the same care and focus as he did Caribou Barbie (much credit to Stephanie Miller for coming up with that term.)
Sincerely,
Johnny Boulevard
WHY I VOTE.
Voting. We’re taught to view it as our civic duty, one of only three remaining “sacrifices” this country actually asks of its citizens (the first of the other two being to pay your taxes, which – I’m ashamed to say – a sizable percentage of this country cheats, and the second being to register for the selective service upon reaching age 18 – a sacrifice from which an entire sex is exempt.) So given how little modern American actually asks of us, it’s not surprising that the majority of us view voting as something like a chore. In many ways I’m no different. From age five onward, I was reminded every November that voting is just one of those things responsible people do; like saving 10% of every paycheck or never having sex without a condom.
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