You all may be wondering why I haven’t been writing as much as I used to. Well, normally I express my outrage at something through written word, which is how I got started here at The Melon. But ever since Obama beat McCain so badly that his consolation prize was a new box of Depends and a sack of Werther’s Originals, I’ve been too happy to be angry. All bad things just seem moot in light of our glorious President-Elect. While my own personal happiness does work out well for me, it isn’t going so hot for The Melon. So I’ve been looking around trying to find something to anger myself with and then pounce on that.
So it appears a lot of people are saying some of Obama’s choices for his Cabinet haven’t been the magical Jesus McLincolns everyone’s been hoping for. Well shut up. They are all good picks and here is why:
Robert Gates as Secretary of Defense:
I realize it may seem crazy to keep a Bush administration Secretary in his post for an extra year, but calm down and listen to me. Gates is not some crazy ideologue who won’t listen to Obama’s orders. He is being given the major assignment of “withdraw our troops from Iraq as soon as prudently possible,” and after that he’s gone. The reason to keep him on is because he already is as familiar as one can be with the situation in Iraq, and as such will save precious months by not needing to play catch-up.
Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State:
There exist rumors that Obama never actually offered Clinton the Secretary of State position, and that her people just leaked it in order to force Obama into giving it to her. If that’s the case, then I hope Secretary-Appoint Clinton will be this cunning in her diplomacy. In any case she is qualified for the job and won’t be trying to undermine Obama, if his presidency sinks, her chances for the 2016 election will follow. And if there are two things Hillary Clinton really wants, they are (1) to be elected President and (2) to age well over the next 8 years.
Paul Volcker as the Chairman of the Economic Recovery Advisory Board:
This pick is just awesome. Paul Volcker is my all-time favorite Chairman of the Federal Reserve, and possibly one of my favorite people ever. When the economy collapsed under Carter (which Carter gets blamed for even though you can’t wreck an economy in 2 years with a 1% change in taxes), Volcker was put in charge of the Federal Reserve. He announced that he was going to use “monetarism” (without going into too much detail, it’s basically the Conservative principles) to fix the economy, and when Reagan re-appointed the “monetarist,” the economy recovered and flourished. While I do not have the exact interchanges, I have summarized them below in the form of a play, so that you and your friends may re-enact this scene as a tribute to me and Paul Volcker.
Reaganite: Chairman Volcker, what are you doing? These aren’t Monetarist policies!
Volcker: (slaps Reaganite with a glove) Have at ye! Of course they aren’t, Monetarism is just a silly poppycock philosophy that would destroy the economy!
Reaganite: But Chairman Volcker, why just last year you used Monetarism to save the economy Carter destroyed!
Volcker: (slaps Reaganite with a glove again) Nonsense! I used Keynesian economic policies to fix the economy! You all were just too stupid and Conservative to allow something that actually works to be put in place, so I told you I was a “Monetarist” so you would leave me in charge! And look now, the economy is fixed!
Reaganite: Oh lilypuddles! Our economic policy is defeated! I am vanquished! Must. Tell. President. Reagan…
(Meanwhile, at the Hall of Doom, President Reagan is filling out a ‘Help-Wanted Ad’)
President Reagen: Wanted. Chairman of Federal Reserve. Monetarist a must. No smokers or pets.
You know who was a monetarist? Alan Greenspan, and you know what happened when he served from 1987 to 2006? He called for deregulation, sub-prime loans, and kept interest rates unwisely low, all of which greatly contributed to our current economic crisis.