The Melon is pleased to announce our new podcast, The Melon Underground. Join Chris “The Wedge” Van Vechten, Jometheus (Jack Faust) and Electric Elliot as they drinks some brews and shoot the shit about the universe.

Episode Zero covers a wide range of topics, from the first 104.678 days of the Obama administration, to education, Tacoma politics and the agriculture industry. Enjoy.

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Rick Warren is delivering the invocation at Barack Obama’s Presidential Inauguration. I’m not kidding. Seriously. What the fuck Mr. President-Elect? Now I’ve apparently been main-lining the Obama Kool-Aid for a great long while, but it would appear that the ObaMART is all out of the prepared stuff, so we’ll see what I can whip together on the fly here but I’m not optimistic.

So I understand what Obama is trying to do here. There’s a two separate things he’s hoping to accomplish with this. First, he’s trying to spark a debate that should serve as a catharsis to unite the nation, his “disagree without being disagreeable” platform. Second, he’s trying to court the evangelicals for the 2012 election (which I guess you could classify as the unity platform again).

So while Obama is doing things that I understand and can somewhat agree with, the means he’s using are unjustifiable. He could simply interact with Rick Warren during his presidency and achieve roughly the same results without angering his base so much and legitimizing the viewpoints of this divisionary figure.

Having Rick Warren deliver the invocation at one of the biggest events in our country gives him a platform that, regardless of fact, will imply that you agree with him. This is a tremendously poor choice on behalf of the President-Elect, and while I’m all for healthy discourse this is just beyond the pale. Granted, Rick Warren has been actually “good” about our need to help fight HIV/AIDS in Africa, and it’s with that common ground that Obama is defending this pick, but there are some serious other shortcomings with Rick Warren.

That being said let’s all look at this rationally. While this is a BAD idea of Obama’s, it’s only about a 4 or a 5 on a BAD scale of 10. Obama has a decent aim with this selection, but he’s really screwed the pooch on this one, and he could have achieved practically the exact same results with a significantly less controversial religious figurehead.

One caveat: if this all turns out to be a huge political “gotcha!” then Barack Obama is an absolute genius. If on January 19 he reveals that Rick Warren isn’t actually giving the speech and it’s… I don’t know, someone else… then I will have to hail him as a genius. This way he will have created this HUGE national debate and not pissed off the people Rick Warren has led the charge against.

photo credit http://flickr.com/photos/andycornejo/

You all may be wondering why I haven’t been writing as much as I used to. Well, normally I express my outrage at something through written word, which is how I got started here at The Melon. But ever since Obama beat McCain so badly that his consolation prize was a new box of Depends and a sack of Werther’s Originals, I’ve been too happy to be angry. All bad things just seem moot in light of our glorious President-Elect. While my own personal happiness does work out well for me, it isn’t going so hot for The Melon. So I’ve been looking around trying to find something to anger myself with and then pounce on that.

So it appears a lot of people are saying some of Obama’s choices for his Cabinet haven’t been the magical Jesus McLincolns everyone’s been hoping for. Well shut up. They are all good picks and here is why:

Robert Gates as Secretary of Defense:

I realize it may seem crazy to keep a Bush administration Secretary in his post for an extra year, but calm down and listen to me. Gates is not some crazy ideologue who won’t listen to Obama’s orders. He is being given the major assignment of “withdraw our troops from Iraq as soon as prudently possible,” and after that he’s gone. The reason to keep him on is because he already is as familiar as one can be with the situation in Iraq, and as such will save precious months by not needing to play catch-up.

Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State:

There exist rumors that Obama never actually offered Clinton the Secretary of State position, and that her people just leaked it in order to force Obama into giving it to her. If that’s the case, then I hope Secretary-Appoint Clinton will be this cunning in her diplomacy. In any case she is qualified for the job and won’t be trying to undermine Obama, if his presidency sinks, her chances for the 2016 election will follow. And if there are two things Hillary Clinton really wants, they are (1) to be elected President and (2) to age well over the next 8 years.

Paul Volcker as the Chairman of the Economic Recovery Advisory Board:

This pick is just awesome. Paul Volcker is my all-time favorite Chairman of the Federal Reserve, and possibly one of my favorite people ever. When the economy collapsed under Carter (which Carter gets blamed for even though you can’t wreck an economy in 2 years with a 1% change in taxes), Volcker was put in charge of the Federal Reserve. He announced that he was going to use “monetarism” (without going into too much detail, it’s basically the Conservative principles) to fix the economy, and when Reagan re-appointed the “monetarist,” the economy recovered and flourished. While I do not have the exact interchanges, I have summarized them below in the form of a play, so that you and your friends may re-enact this scene as a tribute to me and Paul Volcker.

Reaganite: Chairman Volcker, what are you doing? These aren’t Monetarist policies!

Volcker: (slaps Reaganite with a glove) Have at ye! Of course they aren’t, Monetarism is just a silly poppycock philosophy that would destroy the economy!

Reaganite: But Chairman Volcker, why just last year you used Monetarism to save the economy Carter destroyed!

Volcker: (slaps Reaganite with a glove again) Nonsense! I used Keynesian economic policies to fix the economy! You all were just too stupid and Conservative to allow something that actually works to be put in place, so I told you I was a “Monetarist” so you would leave me in charge! And look now, the economy is fixed!

Reaganite: Oh lilypuddles! Our economic policy is defeated! I am vanquished! Must. Tell. President. Reagan…

(Meanwhile, at the Hall of Doom, President Reagan is filling out a ‘Help-Wanted Ad’)

President Reagen: Wanted. Chairman of Federal Reserve. Monetarist a must. No smokers or pets.

You know who was a monetarist? Alan Greenspan, and you know what happened when he served from 1987 to 2006? He called for deregulation, sub-prime loans, and kept interest rates unwisely low, all of which greatly contributed to our current economic crisis.

1. Obama breaks his first promise.
2. Al Franken victory is sight?
3. Wikipedia to become even more awesome
4. Where do Hollywood logos come from?
5. Prop 8 – The Musical

November 26th, 2010 – A recent study by the Rand Corporation details the dramatic extent to which American lives have been ruined since lawmakers passed a bill forcing the country to end its decades of marriage discrimination.

San Francisco Mayor, Gavin Newsom, the main proponent of this equal rights bill, now regrets his decision. “I thought that I was doing progressive work for minorities,” said Newsom, “But I had no idea how much shit would hit the fan.”

Since the bill’s passing, or ‘Gay-Day’ as some have come to call it, the housing market has crashed causing millions lose their homes, the economy has plummeted, gas prices have risen to over $8 a gallon, thousands of confused adopted-children have taken to the streets after parenting failures by gay couples, and, of course, a chasm spitting the scorching fires of hell has opened up in central New York.

Richard Kush was recently married in Las Vegas after a night of drunken debauchery, coke, and gambling.  “My marriage was significantly less meaningful knowing anybody could get one,” says Mr. Kush, who was promptly divorced once he sobered, “Sure, I regret my decision to marry the prostitute, but without the exclusivity to do so, I’d have nothing to give relevance to my life−and that’s the American way.”

But it hasn’t been just families and lawmakers whose lives have been destroyed by gay marriage−the food industry has also suffered a serious blow.

“Well, we all don’t know what to do anymore,” says Iowa farmer Tad Thompson, “I can’t buy seeds because the seed guy is marrying his sheep, I can’t plow the land because the tractor guy is marrying his sheep. I mean, I pretty much have to marry my sheep now that gays are wedding.”

Even in suburbia, Gay-Day has taken its toll. Carol Vicky, a mother of three, says that gay marriage has seriously affected the way she raises her children.  “Every morning I have to explain to my children why two men are getting married,” says Carol, “They say they understand, but how could anyone comprehend such insanity? It’s like saying that global warming is human-made.”

‘Damage control’ has been the talk all over Washington as President Barack Obama prepares to section off parts of the country to the gays. “In hopes to quell the hurt Americans are feeling, we’ll be cutting off parts of major cities and referring to them as the ‘gay parts’ of town,” says Obama, “These gay reservations will be required to display rainbow flags and offer gay-specific services like bars and nightclubs. I feel like this is a necessary step to begin the healing process.”

As Americans continue to suffer, people are starting to wonder if equality was really worth the pain it has caused. Elton John could not be reached for comment.

President-Elect Barack Obama announced on Friday that he’ll be posting weekly You Tube addresses during his Presidency. While this is certainly far more than we could have expected from the computer illiterate Sen. John McCain should he have claimed victory on November 4th, to suggest that Barack Obama is “FDR 2.0″ or even the cyber-President because of this is somewhat of a far cry.

I wasn’t aware of this until today, but apparently President Bush (yeah, that guy) has been posting weekly radio podcasts since January 27th, 2001.  While I had no idea Bush had any connectivity to the outside world beyond his plastic press conferences, these podcasts have been frequently referred to on NPR.

Sure, a podcast is different from a You Tube video in that President Bush could be jerking off at his ranch in Crawford, snorting cocaine off an interns ass, licking globules of chocolate from a twenty gallon container of pudding and reading notes while doing a podcast, where as in a You Tube video the chances of doing something stupid in the public eye is dramatically increased.

What I’m getting at is, a You Tube video doesn’t signify transparency any more than a podcast, but certainly being able to gawk at President Obama’s beautiful brown eyes on a weekly basis couldn’t hurt.

A week ago, I helped change the world. I, like so many others, came out in force to propel a young senator from Illinois to the most powerful position in the free world. After the election had been called, the citizens of Seattle took to the streets in joy. From 9:00pm to 2:00am, happy voters partied peacefully as Seattle Police watched from the perimeter. There was no vandalism, no arrests, only a palpable sense of joy. There were similar outbursts in cities like New York and Chicago, although few as peaceful, as mind boggling as the one in Seattle.

This historic win may not just lift the first African-American to the highest publicly elected in the country. Should Obama deliver on even half of his proposed changes and rollbacks of the past years, he will reinvigorated the political spirit of America laid low when beloved president John F. Kennedy was assassinated, and when Richard M. Nixon besmirched the White House with his lies. Since these tragic strikes against the American dream, politics has been treated as a dirty word, something most would choose to willfully ignore despite the potential for benefit. It has even been suggested that Obama’s presidency could begin the fourth republic in America.

But what the future holds remains to be seen. As it stands now, there is much work to do. Despite the landslide of electoral votes and surprising separation by the popular vote, 46% of the country voted for John McCain. Despite our joy, there is still sorrow there. There is confusion, anger, and also curiosity. Today, I did not change history, but hopefully I changed one girl’s perspective.

One of my co-workers, the only one my own age, asked me what I thought about Obama’s win. I explained to her my elation about his win, and the hopeful new age in American politics, when I was met with a strange collection of questions. Was Obama a naturalized citizen? Would he repeal the constitution? Would he take away the second amendment? Who was this Joe Biden character?

For the next half an hour, I gave her a crash course education in the requirements to be president, what it takes to pass or repeal an amendment, who Joe Biden was, why he as a good candidate for Vice President, and the responsibilities of the Vice President. I explained to her the vast insufficiencies of Sarah Palin as a vice presidential candidate, and why Obama’s tax plan would be a benefit to the country at large.

In his concession speech. John McCain proved that deep beneath the image he spent cultivating over his campaign, the relic of the 2000 campaign still lurked there with dignity and compassion. But McCain’s followers are not the forgiving and knowledgeable man he is, and part of responsibility of an informed voter is informing others. Do not shy away from this task because in the coming days it will be one of the most important ones we undertake. An informed yet disagreeable voter is a much larger asset to this country than an uninformed one. President-elect Barack Obama has given us hope in our political system, let us take that hope and give it to our countrymen. It is the least we can do.

Photo credit to current.tv

Obama's "Gotcha!" moment shocked the world.

To the utter shock and dismay of billions around the world, in his victory speech, President Elect Barack Obama admitted to everything skeptics and conspiracy theorists had claimed all along, that he in fact is not only a terrorist, but also an anarchist, Muslim and socialist.

“Gotcha!” said Obama as he addressed thousands of supporters in Chicago, shortly after claiming victory over John McCain. “Look, I know I said I wasn’t a Muslim, I know I said I wasn’t a terrorist. But, these things are just not true. Oh, and that Barack Hussein Obama thing. That’s not true either. My real middle name is Stalin.”

Once inaugurated, Obama promises a swift, yet disordered redistribution of all possessions. “What we’re going to do, is bring trucks around, uh, to all major cities,” said Obama, “everyone is going to put their clothes and their furniture into these trucks. I’m going to have everything burned, and then redistributed by many three-legged cats.”

The new Obama has already taken criticism for his plans by all major leaders of every political party, including Democrats.

“He’s gone super villain or something.” says Jim Thompson, a former Obama supporter. “It’s like he ran two races. We should be calling him Two-Race.”

“I told ya’ll it was true. Ya’ll didn’t believe me, but now the black-devil is upon us!” says a fanatical douche-bag who was right about everything.

When asked to respond to these objections, Obama replied in great spirits, “Sure, a lot of people are against the policies of hope. People don’t think we can create a forty-mile tall statue of Allah.  But, I want to reassure the American people that not only, yes we can, but yes you will or I’ll put a jihad on you and your family.”

Since the Obama announcement, the American public turned to Senator John McCain, in hopes of him contesting election results, to pull Obama out of office but have found similar surprises.  “My friends,” said McCain in a press release, “I wish I could continue to push Country First into the White House, but I’m afraid I haven’t been completely truthful. You see, as President, you can only serve two terms, making me ineligible all along. The real John McCain died four years ago and I, George W. Bush took his place…and his face.”

In the hours following stunning and elegant announcements by the President Elect and the defeated Maverick, hundreds-of-thousands of Americans flooded the Canadian border attempting to flee the US, only to find increased security, in the form of a 18-foot steel barrier wall, barring them from promised land.

This week’s best of the internet:

Apparently humans reach the pinnacle of their brain power at 39.

Have you ever heard of the band Tally Hall? Well they do sketch comedy now, and it ain’t half bad. Check it.

Amazing. 109 yr old daughter of a former slave votes Obama.

And this has to be the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

Did it seem like all of the Presidential debate were exactly the same? That’s because they were.

I don’t think of myself as a political person. I know political people – they work in Washington DC, and love to govern. They have been career student government representatives, they believe in the system. My friend Sam is political. He loves arguing, hob-nobbing, and legislating. He’s a rare creature that despite some close calls, has always managed to be a part of the political sphere.

I’m more of an idealist. The government takes taxes and turns them in to opportunities and services for the whole country. I accept this fact and move on. I have given much consideration to hot button issues like abortion, gay rights, our foreign policy, and our defense spending. When the time comes, I will vote upon these policies because I have been researching them, and been considering my options. I am an informed voter, or at least I like to think so. But am I a political person? I don’t believe myself to be.

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